Parachute Paradigm

You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute.   
 How would you react?  Here are the likely responses from major groups of people:    

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Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just 
like this before, and someone else will have a chance that way.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study      
on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the 
parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and
get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with
their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and
dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a 
report on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that 
it will work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute 
instructions.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a 
parachute as well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular 
intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds 
them of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character 
of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is 
biodegradable.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine,
it works fine.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous
to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that 
despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that
jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.